I got my first noticeable gray hair at age 22. Still living at home, I was getting a little shoulder rub from my mom on a Sunday night. The Sunday Scaries were setting in and she was giving me a little comfort when she said “oh my goodness, you have a grey hair”. As a mother of a 20 year old myself now, I can only imagine how that made her feel. But at that moment, I was like – what the hell? And also like, well, not surprising, my job is aging me rapidly.
I had an amazing first job in daily live television, and on our small staff I was responsible for a lot of small but essential logistics. Guest travel details, crew meals, answering phones and overseeing interns. This was stressful to be sure, but also fun and exciting. I was learning a lot at a very rapid pace. But the Sunday scaries were not because of my intense job. They were because of my very intense boss.
Most of us have had one of these at one time or another…a screamer. A boss who felt it necessary to call you out loudly in front of everyone. Who treated your mistakes like moral failings… Whose demand for “high standards” felt irrational and insulting. This boss was an equal opportunity screamer. They’d attack a senior producer and a 19-year-old intern with the exact same intensity. We all had really cool jobs, but often dreaded coming to work. Most of us were always keeping our eye open for a way out. We were a classroom full of abused children and we were all a little bit sad. Burnout was our day-to-day.
This person ruled with fear, and it worked. This was a very successful show. But even in live television, it just isn’t necessary. The people who work in this environment have the skills and experience to do it with ease, especially if it’s daily. Everyone knew their role and how to get it done. Sure, it required a high level of attention and energy - but fear? Not necessary. Even the 19-year-old interns could see that.
My boss’ fear became our fear, and my gray hair. Fear is our strongest survival instinct. It is there to protect us from bad things - but it’s rarely the best path to creating good things. It may take a while, but it is the ultimate self-sabotaging behavior.
It was actually 19-year-old intern who led me to my next job. Her dad worked at another show, and she pulled me aside one day and told she’d been talking to him about me and that there was a similar job opening at his place. That new place had two of the most wonderful leaders I’ve ever known. This workplace valued the instinct and creativity of both its veterans and its newbies. It took the time to teach and mentor its people. It looked to the whole to find solutions to the challenges of live tv news. It supported individuals, including me, through difficult personal and professional challenges. I felt loved at work. When you feel loved and trusted, you work harder and better. You work for the good of the team and the product. You celebrate the wins (of which we had many) together, and you share the load of the losses together. And you start again the next day as a family.
Even now, 30 years later I reflect on that workplace and their mentorship as foundational for me, not just as a professional but as a person. I long ago lost touch with my abused children co-workers as we ran away from our jobs one by one. I attend the weddings and funerals of the second workplace. Ten years can go by and I know any one of them would take my call.
The old boss and I have crossed paths once or twice over the years. I don’t know if time has shown them that fear can bring success, but not necessarily excellence and certainly not happiness. I hope so, it’s no way to live. And it sure can create grey hairs.
What I’m Consuming…
Actress of a Certain Age
I was getting seriously bogged down in an 700 epic of generational trauma. My dear friend reccommended this as a palette cleanser and I can’t thank her enough. Fan’s of HBO’s Somebody Somewhere will love this memoir by Jeff Hiller. Tell me funny heartwarming stories, make me laugh. I highly recommend the audiobook read by the author himself.
The Telepathy Tapes, Season 2
I devoured the first season of this podcast about non-speakers communicating telepathically. In season two, it expands into other mysteries of the mind - near death experiences, communication with those who’ve passed, energy healing, savant syndrome and much more. Whether you’re a believer or not, the program is well-produced and incredibly thought-provoking stuff. The producer herself asks us to “…remember to stay kind, stay curious, and that being a true skeptic requires an open mind.” Kind & Curious is my life mission, and I can’t get this stuff off my mind.
What’s Up at StepOne
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